May we have the envelope please?

I was looking for something in my fridge the other night, and I realized that I really needed to clean out my fridge. In a bad bad bad way. As I began digging things out of the fridge, I started mentally composing a letter that I imagined was on its way to me any day now:

Dear Mrs. Munden,

Congratulations!! You have been selected to be featured as July's winner in "The Horrible Housekeeper Gazette." We are pleased to present you with the "Worst Housewife in Whatcom County" award. You have been chosen for this honor because of your achievements in every category of consideration.

We choose our winners based on a number of categories, and we have stringent rules applied to each category, and you completed every single category, above and beyond our expectations.

At this time we wish to highlight some of your skills that brought you to our attention and earned you this award:

Your "Shove it to the back of the fridge, that'll make it go away" theory is simply brilliant. The resultant, "I didn't know that a cucumber could completely liquify" revelation was illuminating. The "Oh Wow, here's that leftover frosting that was made in FEBRUARY!" was nothing short of greatness.

Your "don't worry, just flip it over and hide the dirty side" attitude was an inspiration to aspiring Horrible Housewives everywhere. The only strike against you was your feeble attempt to deflect by mentioning the fact that you work full time. For that we had to deduct a couple of points, but you did earn the "Suck it up Buttercup!" award from the Crybaby Chronicle which is our sister publication.

So, in closing, we offer our heartiest congratulations and wanted to let you know that we are in talks with TLC to start filming on our "Horrible Housekeepers" television show, and hope that you will consider appearing in our first season.

Also, please accept our congratulations on your meteoric rise through the ranks. We have just been informed that you have skyrocketed from PFC Horrible Housewife straight up to 3 Star General Horrible Housewife, a feat that has never been accomplished before.

Sincerely,

Susie Slacker

Editor in Chief

Horrible Housekeeper Gazette