Monday, July 25, 2011

I just don't get it...

Tonight I found out that an old friend of mine lost her battle with cancer. Even though I knew that there was nothing more the doctors could do for her, I didn't expect it to be so quick. I thought somehow that she was going to be miraculously healed, that she would beat it simply with the strength of her spirit.

I had not seen Jolee in many years. I had reconnected with her on Facebook a few years ago. I spent many many hours, days, and nights at her house when I was growing up. Jolee was exactly 6 years older than me, but she didn't treat me like I was that much younger. She didn't exclude me when I was the youngest one in the group.

I will remember many things about her. I remember her laughter and her smile. She was filled with so much joy that it just burst out of her. I remember doing stall duty with her at the Fair, and how she had to wear a dust mask because of her asthma, and she was embarrassed about the mask, so she wore a bandana over it like a bandit.

I remember how in her home you were not allowed to say the word "Fart." It was a bad word, instead you said "Farkel." And every time I see the game "Farkel" I think of that and I smile. I remember spending the night there, and hoping that her mom Margi would make popcorn because she made the best popcorn. I have always wished that I could make it like Margi. She made it on the stovetop, and it always turned out perfect.

I am so sad to know that Jolee is gone from this world, and I'm so angry at cancer. I wish that I was a runner, because tonight I would go and run and run until I didn't feel so angry. But I am not a runner, and I know that by the end of my block the pain in my heart would become much worse, and for an entirely different reason.

Right now I keep thinking of the scene in Steel Magnolias where they are gathered for Shelby's funeral and Malynn says how mad she is, and how she wants to hit something until it hurts like she does. I felt that tonight too. I just wanted to hit something.

I can't help but think of everyone that cancer has stolen from my life, and those who it has tried to steal.

When I was 11 my father had cancer, and I was talking with my Mom tonight about how thankful I am that my memories of that time are blurred together and indistinct. My Mom begins her radiation treatment tomorrow because she was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago. I am so grateful to God that hers was caught so early and that with two surgeries, they have removed it all from her body. It is my most fervent hope that in a few years this whole time will also be a blur of indistinct memories.

I think that Cancer is like a tornado. It doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care who it hits. It doesn't care about the damage it wreaks or the lives it destroys. I hate Cancer. I just hate it, and I wish Cancer would die and leave the rest of us alone!


  1. so sorry hon!! It took my grandpa from me and my is oh so destructive. Death is matter how it will come to all of us at one point or another. We will never know. Let your anger go it is destructive to the beautiful happy spirit that is in you...God has a plan in all that happens. It is hard knowing so many people suffer and after that long road..die. But she is at peace..and I pray she is in peace amidst the radiance of our Father! Praying for you and her family! Don't go to bed angry..find peace friend! love you!

  2. Cancer has so many from our family as well. It is a horrible disease. I am so sorry for your loss and will be praying for great outcomes with your mom. Thank you for your openness and honesty - it is refreshing to read. You are a beautiful young woman and I am proud to have you as a friend.