Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Isn't that special?

My mother once taught me a joke about a woman who got together with her friend after 20 years and the friend kept bragging about her life, her husband, their wealth, and all her material possessions. After each thing she says, the woman says, "Isn't that special?" When it is the woman's turn to tell about her life she says that her husband sent her to finishing school. The friend asks why he would do that, and the woman says so that she could learn to say "Isn't that special?" when she really wants to say, "Who gives a @#*&?"

Now, with that understanding in mind, I can tell my story from today. I was at work, and it was super duper busy, and I got paged to the paint department. I was greeted by an extremely cranky elderly woman who told me that her husband got the wrong product and the wrong color, but that he'd already opened it. I looked at the can and realized that not only had he opened it, but it was custom tinted and he'd used a third of the can. I tried to explain to her that we can't take back custom tinted paint, especially when it was a third gone. She snapped at me that it wasn't a third, he'd only used "this much," indicating a spot about a third of the way down the can. She said, "Don't you just sell your returns at a discount?" I told her, again, that we don't take back tinted paint, and we don't have returns. She indicated a group of cans and snapped, "What about those returns?" I told her that those were cans that were waiting to be picked up. (Isn't that special?) At this point I took the can and went and talked to my father. I was more inclined to smack her in the head with the can then to give her credit. But we agreed to make her a can of what she wanted and give her $10 off. I went and offered her the deal and she rather snottily conceded it was better than nothing. So I pulled up the formula for the color she wanted and tried to make it, while answering the phone, the radio, and tell someone that I'd be right over to my (now fully functional) licensing terminal to sell a park pass. I called my mother in and she made the paint for the customer and I sold the park pass.

A few hours later, the couple came back and they had a piece of wood and their new can of stain with them. She told me that it was the wrong color and that it was way too blue to match her house, not the sample she chose, but her house. (Isn't that special?) I opened the can and dried a sample so that I could compare the two. While I was drying the sample, she kept trying to ask me questions. I told her that I could not hear her over the dryer. I took the samples outside and looked at them. I went back in and told her that it was definitely a lighter gray than her color, but it wasn't blue. There was no blue in it. She argued with me, so I just kept smiling and working to fix it. At this point I compared the stain we made to the color card that SHE had chosen. It was an exact match. So now we had made 2 different cans of stain for them, both of them being the exactly right color that they had ordered and neither time was she happy. Somehow it was MY fault that her husband picked a color that didn't go along with her color scheme, OR that SHE picked a color SHE thought would match her house, and we made it perfectly and it didn't match her house. I managed to correct the new stain so that it matched her board PERFECTLY! While I was drying the latest sample, her husband walked up and asked me a question. She informed him that I couldn't hear over the dryer, and they left me alone while I finished. I went outside and compared the samples in natural light, and they matched seamlessly.

I went back in and showed them the samples and told them it was fixed. She said, "We'll owe you BIG time IF this matches." (Isn't that special?) I informed them that to my eye it matched perfectly. She said, "Well, we SHOULD be happy with this, shouldn't we?" And her tone made my fingers positively ITCH to grab the rubber mallet and start playing Whack-a-Mole with her.

A few minutes later, as I running back and forth getting change for tills, and ringing up customers, we had a brief pause and Tyler says to me, "Wow, you're way busier than me and you're so cheerful and happy." I told him, "Only on the outside Sweetheart, only on the outside. Inside is a dark and scary place!!"

Wanted: A vacant padded cell, happy pills optional

So my life has felt pretty crazy lately. For starters, I managed to give myself whiplash, a strained shoulder, and a hyper-extended finger by trying to be She-Ra, Princess of Power and move a 12' fiberglass step-ladder by myself. When I went to open the ladder, it started to shift on me, and then I realized I couldn't catch it, I just let it go. It was on uneven ground, and when the top of the ladder hit the ground, the bottom popped up and smacked my left index finger and it bent back past where it should have bent.

Then, last week on my day off, I went to my friend Rachel's house and we worked out together, and then when I got home, Matt and I decided to take Lucie for a walk. We walked her up to the elementary school and when we got there, Matt let her off leash. When we had completed our loop of the field, he decided to work on an obedience refresher with her. They were both getting frustrated with each other. Finally they ended on a good note, and he said, "OK!!" That is her signal that she is now off command, and she took off running great big circles around the field. I clapped my hands to call her to me to play with her a little, and she came running to me at full speed. I didn't really have time to change my position, or brace for impact before she ran straight into my knee, at full speed. All 85 pounds of her, leading with her solid rock lab head. I doubled over and gasped for air. For a split second I thought she'd broken my leg. It took me well over a minute to be able to stand upright again, and attempt to put weight on my leg. It hurt like blazes, but I was able to wobble along. We made our way home, me limping about halfway there, and then tried to decide what to do with the rest of our afternoon.

We were talking about some chairs he'd seen on sale, and I went to my computer to try to look them up and my internet wouldn't launch. I tried twice and nothing happened, so I decided to restart my computer and see if it would help. It didn't. In fact my computer wouldn't restart. It just made strange whirring noises. Matt determined that my hard drive had died. So we decided to go to Bellingham and look at the chairs. We got in my car, and I plugged my iPod into the tape-deck adapter and off we went. I noticed that my music sounded weird. It sounded like the harmony was the main sound, and there was no melody audible. I had no idea what was going on, and Matt figured out that my adapter had died. He asked me, "What?? Did you magnetize your fingers this morning or something?"

I got to work on Friday morning and had to deal with a broken fishing license computer. I have been dealing with problems with my barcode scanner since before Memorial Day. I have called and talked with technicians and they sent me a new scanner. I packed up the old one, and plugged in the new one. It worked for about a day and a half, and then it let out a series of three birdlike chirps, and then died. I unplugged it, plugged it back in, and it repeated the cycle; worked for a day, chirped three times, and died. I called the technicians again, and they determined it must be a software issue and they wanted me to plug in the usb key attached to the back and reload the software. I searched the terminal, there was no key. They shipped me one, and we got the software reloaded. My scanner worked for a day and chirped three times and died. They sent me ANOTHER new scanner. I packed up the old one, plugged in the new one, and the light flashed spasmodically for about 36 seconds, and then it chirped three times and died. I called the technicians and they determined that they needed to send me a new computer, and another new scanner. It arrived on Thursday (the same day that my computer and iPod adapter died.) Now we flash forward to that Friday morning. I spent all morning on the phone with technicians trying to make the new terminal work. It wouldn't connect. Finally we ended up with the old computer plugged in with the latest scanner plugged into it. Everything started working like it should. At this point I mentally did the Chester Cheetah "Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!!!" head-shake. But I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, and just accept that it is working.

So now I'm trying to figure out whether I truly have turned into Maggie Magnetron, the electronics killer; or if selected electronic devices in my life have banded together in some sort of suicide pact? Either way, I've been somewhat reluctant to take out our laptop and try to write down my woes.