Zoom, Zoom, Zoom....

I had a thought pop into my head tonight, and it almost prompted a new facebook status, but I realized, sadly, that only my sister would understand it. Then I started to dissect my thought in my head, and before I knew it, a blog post was half written.

So, as I have said before, my train of thought is like a bullet train. It moves so fast that I can hardly keep up with it. My thoughts tonight ranged from how wonderful a non-stick rice cooker pan is, to what was the greatest thing before sliced bread, to an impromptu comedy routine that I came up with more than 10 years ago to cheer up my sister.

Let's back up and explain the comedy routine so that I can expound upon the sliced bread thing, and end up at the rice cooker.

One night, as I recall it was a blustery fall evening, my sister and I were driving to Bellingham. She lived in an apartment down near Samish Way back then, and I was driving her home. I can't believe that I recall this conversation so clearly, but (And I'm sure you'll all be so glad that I do recall this so clearly) we were talking about our periods, and different feminine hygiene products. (Told you you'd be thrilled.) I remember advising my sister to get herself a box of panty liners because they were such useful little items. She'd been feeling down in the days prior to that, and I still don't know where this came from, but I launched into an impromptu comedy routine all about panty liners. Of course, to understand why this is even remotely funny I must explain that I was using my southern accent that was inspired by Vicki Lawrence's "Mama's Family" character, Thelma. I put on this accent (for the first time ever) and started talking all about how useful panty liners were. I pronounced it "Panna-lah-ner." It's one word. And I kept saying how "They're the greatest thing since thet there Wal-Mart!" For the entire half hour drive, I entertained my sister with my Pannalahner routine and had her thoroughly cheered up when I delivered her to her door.

From that point on, I stopped referring to things as "The greatest thing since sliced bread" and started using "The greatest thing since thet there Wal-Mart" instead. Occasionally I would use the phrase "The greatest thing since peanut butter."

I have often found myself wondering "What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?" And really, is sliced bread SUCH an amazing advancement of society that we must compare everything to it? Who was the first person to slice bread? Were they Sainted for their contributions to mankind? What are they the Patron Saint of?

Moving right along... I have always been terrible at cooking rice. I cannot cook rice on the stove top. I don't know why. I am a fairly decent cook, and am actually good at preparing certain foods, but I am not capable of cooking rice on the stove top. When I opened my brand new Rice Cooker at my bridal shower, I was SO excited! Finally, I was going to be able to cook rice and have it actually turn out like its supposed to.

Now we arrive in my kitchen on a night in the not so distant past. I was using my beloved rice cooker, and when I went to lift the pan out of the cooker, it would not come out. I was puzzled. Then I smelled a funny burnt plasticky smell, almost like melted crayons. I finally managed to pry the pan out and discovered that a label of some sort had managed to make its way onto the element and burn, effectively glueing the pan to the element. I was heartbroken.

I decided to buy myself a new rice cooker for my birthday, and when it arrived, I discovered, to my delight that it had a non-stick pan instead of the regular full-stick pan that my old one had. This might not seem like such a big deal, but to someone who is so terrible at making rice, anything that makes it easier is a HUGE deal.

So, as I was preparing dinner tonight, I thought about posting a facebook status of "Stephanie Munden thinks that non-stick rice cooker pans are the greatest thing since thet there Wal-Mart!!!" Then I laughed at myself and realized that no one would understand that except for my sister, and possibly my mother, but they are never on facebook, so it would be a waste of a (In my humble opinion) clever joke.

It took me all of about 2.3 seconds to make my way from, "Wow, this non-stick thing is great" to Pannalahners and what came before sliced bread.

Good thing these train seats have motion-sickness bags, huh?

We need a sedative and a giant net on aisle 7 please...

Last night I decided that I wanted to try a new recipe for dinner and I needed a couple of items to be able to make my Waikiki Meatballs. (SUPER YUMMY by the by) While I was at Safeway I remembered that I needed some more Instant Vanilla pudding mix so that I could make more Twinkies.

I wandered around the store collecting this and that, and I arrived at the pudding mixes and began my search for Instant Vanilla pudding mix. I immediately found the small boxes of instant vanilla, and began looking for the bigger boxes that I needed. I was stumped because all I could find was big boxes of Cook-N-Serve... (As I'm typing this I realize that this is the most ridiculous blog ever, and I apologize to anyone who is actually reading this, but it gets better, well... crazier) and so I kept searching for my instant pudding. I found the big boxes of instant chocolate, but then right next to it was Cook-N-Serve Chocolate and then Cook-N-Serve Vanilla. At this point, I realized that I was not seeing double, but that the Cook-N-Serve Vanilla was in two spots on the shelf. I, being the neurotic person that I am, start checking the shelf tags to see where the Instant Vanilla is supposed to be located. I find the correct tag, and start removing box after box of Cook-N-Serve and finally located some Instant behind it. At first, I was putting the Cook-N-Serve where it actually belonged, but the shelf was pretty full. So then I started putting them in my cart, so that I could go find someone who works there and explain what happened.

As if this wasn't crazy enough, I turned my attention to the chocolate pudding, found the same problem, so of course I pulled all the wrong puddings from that spot too. Then I faced the shelves for them so that anyone looking for the instant pudding (Wow! I'm turning into Binocular Lady, I'm sure that anyone who is still reading this is thinking "Say Instant Pudding ONE MORE TIME!!!") and I set off with my cart ridiculously full of Cook-N-Serve Puddings and my measly 3 boxes of Instant Pudding that I needed. I went in search of a Safeway employee that I could give them the boxes and finish my shopping. I found a guy with a Telxon in his hand (The electronic thingy that scans the barcodes on the shelf tags, and is used for ordering and inventory) and I went up to him and saw that his name tag said "Supervisor." I said, "You look like someone who can help me." I explained about the puddings, and how I was going to get a basket to put them in because I didn't actually want them, but I didn't want another customer to not find what they were looking for. He looked at me like I had 3 heads. I went and got a basket and transferred all the unwanted boxes of pudding into it so that I could give them to Mr. Supervisor.

Apparently he spooks easily, and he disappeared, so instead I had to tell my story to yet another person, the nice little girl at the checkout. I handed her the basket of pudding, and had to begin with, "Ok, I'm not totally insane..." (Because I'm sure that was reassuring to her.) I explained what was going on, and then told her that I am the inventory manager at my store, and that's what I do, and so I wanted to help them avoid frustration and confusion. She was very nice and thanked me, and after discovering that we know some of the same people, I got my receipt and left. I ran into Mr. Supervisor (who isn't very good at hiding) and told him that the nice checker had the basket of pudding, and then explained again that because of what I do at work, that's why I had fixed the pudding for them.

I left there thinking, "Well that's just fantastic, now I have to find a new grocery store, and I really like Safeway."