Believe it or not, sometimes girls know stuff too!

This may come as a shock to y'all, but for some reason, people assume that only men can answer a question in a hardware store.  I have dealt with this fact for the past 15 1/2 years that I have been working here.  Equally shocking is the fact that I have picked up a thing or two in those years and I actually know a couple of things about hardware and the likes.

I don't know why it is that men are automatically assumed to be smarter in all matters hardwarian.  The obvious answer to me would be the appendage that men have that women don't must possess some sort of magical knowledge that grants the bearer wisdom in the ways of repairing a sink or replacing a supply line to your toilet.  This seems really counter-intuitive to me though because usually when someone says, "He's thinking with his pants," it is because they are making questionable choices and decisions influenced by whether or not it will get them somewhere with a woman.  Never in my 15 1/2 years of working in this store have I seen a man solve a complex plumbing problem to be greeted with, "Wow!! (Appreciative head nod and applause)  He was really thinking with his pants on that one!!!"

This all came to mind again last week when I was at the counter, where a female cashier obviously belongs, and I was ringing up customers and I had a man come up and purchase a 5/8" hose mender.  Less than ten minutes later he was back saying that he needed to exchange the 5/8" for 3/4" because it was too small.  He had carefully put the packaging back together (which is both very rare and very appreciated) and he went and got the right size.  He came back to the counter, I did the exchange and he was on his way.  Less than ten minutes later he was back at the counter with yet another brand new 5/8" hose mender in his hand telling me that 3/4" was too big and he was going to have to go back to 5/8".  I tried to give him back the one he'd previously purchased and returned so I didn't have to hang a previously opened package back on the shelf.  He seemed very confused by what I was trying to do and left the store with the brand new one.  Less than ten minutes later he was back again.  He told me, "The 5/8" is too small and the 3/4" is too big." He had brought a small (I mean very small, less than an inch in length) piece of his hose to try to find the right size.  I re-opened the 3/4" package and held it up to the hose fragment and showed him that it actually was the right size, that it was supposed to be tight like that so it would seal properly.  I said, "All you have to do is to heat the hose up in some hot water and it will go right on."  He said, "No, no, no... that's not the right size."  He walked off after Ted who was walking down the aisle and caught him by the shoulder and started explaining his dilemma.  Ted said, and I quote, "All you have to do is heat the hose up in some hot water and it will go right on."  The customer said, "Oh, ok.  Thanks."  

At this point he was probably wondering why the dumb girl at the counter didn't suggest that in the first place... oh wait... let's review the transcript... SHE DID!!!!! 

I had to re-seal the packaging for the second 5/8" hose mender that he had bought and returned.  And I was relaying the whole incident to Kalvin at the counter a little while later, and when I finished, he asked, "Just because you're a girl?"  I said, "Yup."  He asked, "Doesn't that make you mad?"  I said, "Sometimes it does. Mostly it just frustrates me." 

Then a brainwave hit me... technically, technically since my unborn child is a boy, I am in possession of that magical knowledge bestowing appendage.  (Possession is 9/10's of the law and since he resides in me, I'm going with it)  Shouldn't I by some form of osmosis or something be privvy to that magical knowledge for the next 5 months?  If that is all it takes to know what you're talking about in a hardware store, then I think I should be able to take advantage of it. 

So for the next 5 months, this girl is ready to answer questions because I've got a baby boy on board.  However, I must warn you that I fear I will lose this magical protection immediately after giving birth, so when young Fireball and I return to work after maternity leave, he will be sporting a different name, and I will once again be a simple girl who doesn't know nothin' about fixin' no toilets!!  (Thank you Butterfly McQueen for those words.)

Heck with Heloise... the Lazy (Stephanie) Susan's Guide to Housekeeping

First of all, how convenient is it that my middle name is Susan?

On Thursday I was preparing for company that night.  I surveyed the pit of despair that we call our home, and began mentally gearing up for this challenge.  If you ever read my post about my battle against the DDD (Domestic Destruction Detachment, I think) you will know that I am a terrible housekeeper.  I would love nothing more than to be one of those women that has the clean house no matter when you come by to visit, but I'm not, and I don't think I ever will be.

I decided to start quite sensibly.  I made a checklist of things to accomplish that day.  Then I got a little ridiculous... I assigned times to each chore, based on how long I thought it should take.  All added up I figured I had about an hour and half worth of housework to do.   (We will pause here for you all to laugh and laugh at my foolish optimism.)

So I began with a bathroom, thinking it would be easiest.  I breezed through there, accomplishing all the tasks within the allotted time and feeling pretty good about myself.  Then I went into the kitchen, and the time sheet went out the window.  What I had failed to take into consideration was all the clutter that had to be sorted before I could tackle each of my neatly labeled and timed tasks.  So I started working on it, and despite numerous distractions, I finally got things sorted out, had the dishwasher running, and the counters scrubbed. 

I began vacuuming the entire downstairs, and then onto the stairs where I paused, and made Lucie come get her toy that had been sitting on a step for about 2-3 weeks now.  (We've been in a battle of wills, each refusing to move the toy)  Spirits buoyed by that minor victory, I continued vacuuming my stairs, and thinking to myself how much I've grown.  I still hate vacuuming but for years I was actually afraid of the vacuum because I don't like the noise of it.  I finished that task and returned to my battle downstairs. 

I decided that lighting a few candles to make the room smell pretty would help my on my way.  So I did, and then I decided to pull out a few other decorative touches that have been put away since Christmas.  Then I started dusting, which I also hate.  I mentally grumbled a bit about the fact that when Matt and I sorted out chores all those years ago, his two chores were to be vacuuming and dusting.  Yeah, we see how well that worked out.  But, in his defense, he was outside mowing the lawn, weedeating, and cleaning the patio, so it isn't like he was sitting on the couch playing a video game while I did this.  I surveyed my work in the living room, which gets surprisingly dirty since it's the room we hardly ever use!  I decided that dry dusting wasn't sufficient, so I attacked the room again with my handy can of Lemon Pledge and that's when I decided that I would only dust what I could reach, and see.  If I don't see the dust, it doesn't exist, right?

As I was cleaning and polishing my old furniture, I started wondering, "Am I the only one who wishes that PartyLite made a Lemon Pledge scented candle?" I would totally burn that candle!!

I decided against mopping my floors, because I figured that our friends weren't actually coming to inspect my floors, but to see us.  It was a very liberating decision, and I felt very good about it. 

I actually had enough time to sit on the couch and read for a few minutes while drinking a cup of tea before our company arrived, and I also had time to ponder the lessons learned while cleaning. 

Lesson one, have realistic expectations of what you're actually going to do.  I have all these grand plans for what I really should do in my house, but since it's not actually vitally important, it doesn't ever get done. 

Lesson two, you can make a checklist, but don't expect that you will actually follow all of it.  And don't assign time limits to each task because all you will do is make yourself feel like a failure. 

Lesson three, there really is no motivator quite like having company coming, so if you want your house to remain clean, entertain often! I remember always asking my mother who was coming over if I got home and she was cleaning.