Thursday, April 21, 2016

And when I cannot stand, I'll fall on you...

If you read the previous post, you will know what's been going on in my life lately.  It has sucked.  In the course of a day I found out my dog could very likely be nearing the end of her life, and that my baby had died a few weeks earlier and my body just didn't realize it yet.

With the baby news, I immediately went into acceptance mode, and started to move forward because that is how I do things.  I said, "It must not have been meant to be," and that was that.  With the Lucie news I fell apart.  I cried, the ugly harsh sobbing cry that nearly makes you puke.  I raged at God and told Him that I wanted to pray that His will be done, but that I just couldn't because what if His will was that it was time for her to die?

I know that people must have thought that I was either dead inside or completely in denial if I could be so calm about a miscarriage.  But I had known that something was wrong, and I was prepared to hear that news.  It wasn't a shock to me.

And yet the news about Lucie didn't just push me over the edge, it picked me up and flung me over the edge.  I could not stop crying about it, and every time I looked at her I'd cry and pray and cry again.

The thing is that after having lost a baby last summer, I wasn't ready to truly accept that there was another baby there until I saw proof.  It remained an idea, a concept, but not a true reality for me.  Lucie has been a physical presence in my life for the last 8 years.  She has brought such happiness to our little family.  When I was in the hospital on bedrest with Andrew, I missed Lucie so much that I made Matt FaceTime with me so I could talk to her.  When we came home for a break from the NICU, the only things I wanted were to sleep in my own bed, and see my Lucie.  The idea that she could be nearing the end of her time with us was horrible and painful.

The day after we both had our ultrasounds, and neither of us got very good news, I took a mental health day from work and stayed home to try to recover from the double sucker punch that I'd been dealt the day before. I had to go get Lucie's medicines from the vet, and I took her with me.  We were enjoying the sunny warm day, and I was enjoying just being alone with my sweet girl.  As we were driving, I was listening to music, and the song "Lord I Need You" came on and as I was singing along with it, I broke down when it got to the part that says "And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You."  That became my mantra over the next several days. I listened to that song more times that I can count, it became my comfort song for this particular moment in my life.

I've had a few of those over the years.  When I was in the hospital with Andrew, the song Always was my go to for comfort.  "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me is another that is always comforting for me.

Thankfully, as the days passed and the medicine began to work, my LucieBelle began to improve.  Every day she got better and better.  She is acting more and more like herself again.  Her appetite is back with a vengeance.

When I found out that I was going to have to have surgery, my acceptance shifted to anger, sadness, and wondering why I couldn't just do this on my own.  I also have been trying to come to terms with the fact that another baby is not in the cards for me.  And as I've tried to handle this whole process with grace, I've had my moments where I am just plain ugly and bitter.  I've had my moments of jealousy and being petty.  I've really wanted to congratulate all the people I know who have had babies, or announced that they were expecting, but I just haven't been able to, and I'm sorry about that, and I will get there, but just not yet.  I keep reminding myself "Stephanie, they are not being pregnant AT you!" And people who ask me when I'm going to have another baby, or make the "Time to have another" comment have no idea what has gone on in my life because I don't talk about it.  They aren't trying to be hurtful. They just don't know.

I've had plenty of moments lately where I haven't been able to stand, so I fall on God.  And I'm thankful that when I'm throwing my "No Fair No Fair No Fair" tantrums at Him, that I know He just listens and loves me still.  He might shake His head and roll His eyes at my behavior sometimes, like I do when Andrew throws tantrums, but I know, that just like I will always pick Andrew up and hold him and tell him that I love him, He will always let His love surround me, and for that I am so incredibly grateful.

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