I've been thinking for several months that I should write down some of my thoughts and feelings about the new little life that I have growing inside of me. Life has been so busy that I just hadn't gotten around to it… well, now I've got nothing but time, and I decided that this might be a good way to keep my brain from atrophying.
Looking back at my life, I have always known that I wanted to be a mother. It was what I looked forward to more than anything. As the years went on, I started wondering if it would ever happen for me.
It was a very hard topic for me, and I constantly dealt with people asking me, "When are you going to have kids?" I spent a good deal of time in prayer on this subject, and as hard as it was, I finally taught myself to pray the way that Jesus told us to, "Thy will be done." Not MY will be done. I began to ask God for patience and help accepting His timing. I knew that if God's will for my life was to be a mother, then it would happen in His perfect timing, and if it wasn't His will for my life then He was going to help me accept it.
I'd like to say that I was instantly at peace with this decision, but that would be a big lie. I spent many nights in tears, asking for help, and trying to come to terms with the fact that there still was no baby in my life. I remember one night driving home, and I felt like I had finally hit my wall. I broke down sobbing hysterically and begging God to help me through because I felt like He was saying "No." I called a friend and she said that maybe He wasn't saying "No," but maybe He was saying "Not yet."
As time went by, it became harder and harder for me to congratulate friends when I'd find out that they were pregnant. Obviously I was happy for my friends, but at the same time it felt like I was being kicked in the gut every time.
Last fall a friend of mine became pregnant, and when she told me, I immediately felt that pang, but for once I wasn't jealous because of everyone I knew, no one (except maybe me) deserved it more. She had been told she wouldn't have children, and she had been through so much in life that this was a real miracle.
Just before Christmas, my friend ended up in the hospital, and sadly their little girl didn't make it. I was devastated for them, and for the first time ever I thanked God sincerely that I had not gotten pregnant, because I didn't want to cause my friend any more pain. And I knew how I felt every time someone I knew was pregnant, and I'd never experienced anything like what she just went through, so I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like for her having to hear that news now.
A few weeks later, I realized that my period was late. I chalked it up to the sheer amount of stress in my house at the time given the fact that my husband was trying to decide whether or not to change jobs, and the stress of it was affecting his health. A couple days passed and still nothing. My sister was hounding me to "just pee on the damn stick already!!" I was so convinced that it was just stress and that I couldn't possibly be pregnant, so I refused to waste money on a test.
Finally, after 5 days, my sister was about to pull her hair out, she and Ariel spent many hours at work telling me to go get a test. That night I caved, but I stubbornly refused to spend $10 or more on a test that I was sure was going to be negative. I went to the Dollar Tree, and bought 3 tests. I arrived home and went straight up to my bathroom and took one of the tests. It said to read the results after 3 minutes, but not after 10. I sat there trying not to watch it, and to my amazement, within 30 seconds there were 2 bright pink lines. I stared in disbelief for a moment, and then I grabbed it and ran downstairs to tell Matt. He was at least as shocked as I was, and most likely more.
We decided that we weren't going to tell people, really tell people until we reached 12 weeks. And we also decided that we were going to wait until I'd seen my doctor to confirm before we told anyone besides siblings and parents. Of course this was on a Friday night, and I couldn't see a doctor until Monday. About an hour later, I took the other two tests just to be sure, and those double lines popped up just as fast as the first.
Monday I went and saw my doctor and she confirmed it, she said that the results were just as fast in their office as they had been at home. I was still kind of in shock, and having a hard time believing that after all these years, it was finally true.
A few days later, I was watching a movie on Lifetime (go ahead and mock) and it was about the girl who faked a pregnancy for her senior project to see how pregnant teens were treated in society. In the movie, her brother was having a hard time with it, not knowing it was all fake, and he finally came around and brought her a present. I was watching and he was telling her how hard the parent gig was, but how cool the Uncle gig was and that he got to be an uncle to this baby. At that moment, it hit me that I was going to be a mommy. I started to cry, and in that moment it finally started feeling real.
The next real moment of "This is really real" clarity hit me on Superbowl Sunday. I had gone to a birthday party for my favorite little 4 year old, and had pigged out on yummy birthday snacks. I got home and was watching the Superbowl, and during the 4th quarter, I started feeling sick. I ended up running to the bathroom to rid myself of the aforementioned snacks and realized that it was down to the last few minutes of the game and the Giants were coming back and I was laughing (between heaves) at the ridiculousness of my situation of trying to wedge myself between the toilet and tub so I could still see the TV to watch the game while having morning sickness (which I always got in the afternoon).
I began counting down the days to my first doctor's appointment, and when that day came, it started snowing like crazy an hour before my appointment and I was afraid I wasn't going to make it. I arrived, safe and sound, and even a little early. And then I got to have an ultrasound and see my tiny little baby and hear the heartbeat. I started to finally feel at ease that this was really real, and really happening to me.