Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Epic Fail, Party of One...

There are a couple of things from my childhood that you need to know about me to get the full enjoyment out of this story. First of all, whenever my Mom made tacos or spaghetti, or anything that required hamburger, Mom would brown the hamburger in a pan and then use her turkey baster to suck the fat out and she would squirt it into an empty can. The can would sit on the sink ledge until it had solidified and then she would put it under the sink. Sometimes we'd use the same can more than once, and sometimes it would just get thrown away.

Secondly, my Grandma was an awesome woman. She lived alone for the last 20 years of her life and as such she got herself into some truly funny predicaments. She would do the dumbest things, the kind of things that you really shouldn't admit to anyone, but should just keep to yourself and hope that no one ever found out. But she didn't keep it to herself. Instead she'd call us laughing her head off and say, "You're never going to believe what I just did!"

If you read through my week in detail, you know about "The Smell." I discovered it on Sunday night in my kitchen, a bad smell right at the sink. But I was tired and didn't have the energy to tackle it then.

Monday I got home and discovered that "The Smell" was still there. I started cleaning my kitchen. I washed the loaf pans that were soaking in the sink, I finished loading up the dishwasher and started it. I hand washed the rest of the dishes, and then cleaned my sink. I got out the bottle of Clorox Clean-Up Spray and started spraying! I scrubbed the counters, and sprayed the heck out of the sink and scrubbed and scrubbed. After I would finish something I would step away from the sink for a few minutes and then come back and sniff, and "The Smell" would be back.

I ran soap down the drains and let hot water run down them, no joy. I sprayed Clorox Clean-up Spray, no joy. I took the drain pipes and trap apart, and sadly, as I took each piece off, I'd lean in and sniff cautiously, and the smell wasn't there. I rinsed and scrubbed the pipes, and sprayed them with Clorox Clean-up, then I put it all back together. I went back a few minutes later, and the freakin' Smell was back.

I poured straight bleach down both sides of the drain and waited several minutes and then ran hot water down both sides, no joy.

I vented my frustrations in my blog, and then received a helpful tip from my friend Heather. So I took her advice and filled the disposal with ice and then poured baking soda and lemon juice down it and ran it. A few minutes later, I could still smell it. I tried the ice again, this time with lime juice. I waited, and the smell seemed to be dissipating. I was jubilant!

This morning I woke up and checked the sink and The Smell was back. I almost cried. I got to work and went straight over to cleaning supplies and picked up a package of Disposer Care, which is an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING product by the way.

I got home this evening and went straight to the kitchen. I rinsed out the dishes that had appeared in my sink today and put them in the dishwasher. Then I used the Disposer Care. When it was all done I gave my disposal a very thorough check and was stunned at how clean it was. A few minutes later I went back over and The Effing Smell was BACK!!!

At this point I was truly beside myself. I started hysterically thinking that a mouse had died somewhere in my kitchen, so I started pulling things out from the wall and checking behind them. As I leaned in to pull the espresso maker out, I caught a really strong whiff of The Smell.

I looked up in utter desperation and my eyes fell upon a can sitting on the window ledge with a couple of candles, and a shotglass that has Lucie's baby tooth in it. The seemingly harmless Refried Bean can sat there innocently enough. Realization hit me hard. Feeling simultaneously over-joyed, furious, and ridiculously ashamed I grabbed the can that I had put grease into last week and realized that I had found The Smell. I took the can straight out to the outside garbage can and chucked it in. I came back in and leaned over my sink and breathed deeply... nothing but a citrus-y fresh scent.

I filed this life lesson under "ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?????"

I knew instinctively that this was one of those moments that I should keep to myself and never tell a soul, so I did the only thing I could do. I picked up the phone and called my mother, laughing my head off, and told her what I had done. Then I called my sister and told her.

I guess the silver lining to all this is that I have the cleanest pipes in 3 counties, and my garbage disposal is sparkling clean.

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